This site is dedicated to cheesy, poorly acted, obscure, horror films. Ignored will be the crap that has infested the B-movie market in recent years past. The purpose of the site will be to highlight those movies that are classics in their own right. Movies sometimes so bad or odd that they become the stuff legends are made of.
Foreword: I chose this film due to the fact it is a remake that has nothing, not a drop, to do with the original. I have a soft spot in my heart for trying to cash in on a name, like Halloween III, or Friday the 13th: The Series, which I love by the way. This movie was filmed back-to-back with It’s Alive III: Island of the Alive, starring a lot of the same actors. I had never even heard of that movie. If you have it please send me a copy. Oh yeah, Tara Reid got her illustrious acting career started in this movie.
Short Version (that’s what she said):
An anthropologist is asked to write a Bible for a group of North Eastern vampires who came over to the U.S. around the time the pilgrims did. They have lived in secrecy, mostly feasting on cows, but people on special occasions. The anthropologist happened to spend his childhood in the village with the vampires unbeknownst to him and his love interest vampire chick is still around to makes things exciting and sexy. His troubled son follows in his footsteps. What sounds like a good movie is incredibly boring with not a single scare in the entire film. The crazy old man is really the only reason to watch this flick. The final battle with the judge (aka Master Vampire) is apparently where the money ran out. The big bad fierce vampire is clearly wearing a mask bought from the discount Halloween store. Good wins…big surprise.
Long Version:
In a moment of epic parenting, the ex-wife of our head anthropologist sends a notice across the globe to him urging him to rush home because something is wrong with their son. He must be dead or seriously injured right? No, just disturbed and she is tired of dealing with the troubled kid. She pawns the kid off and the newly minted dad and son are off to Maine, and a small town called Salem’s Lot, where he got a job offer and a house his Aunt left him. That is certainly convenient, a job, a house and a kid all setup for him that 24 hours prior wasn’t even on his radar.
They run into some no good townsfolk, night falls and its revealed that gasp, the town is run by vampires. This should be scary but seems more like a documentary already at this point. A wedding is going on at night, this is certainly odd. My interest is peaked. The vampires explain to our anthropologist, that he has been targeted to write a Bible of sorts for the clan. A document that will explain their history and whatnot. Back to our wedding which has two 11 year olds getting married.
After witnessing an innocent girl being murdered, finding out vampires exist, a wedding between 11 year olds, our hero spots his childhood crush and runs off and has sex with her while his son hooks up with a vampire chick of his own. How did this ever seem logical? Answer, never but the plot needed to be moved forward.
A crazy old kook looking for directions that winds up being Van Helsing basically, runs around the town intent on finding something. The father son combo, try to escape but are denied by the drones (the people that run the town during the day).
They invite the old man to hang out with them and at night the vampires eat a bus load of people, his old crush suddenly becomes 9 months pregnant with his baby, his son begins to turn into a vampire also.
We find out the judge has two faces, one he shows and one that is his true face. Still nothing scary, not even the slightest.
The dad and Van Helsing go around in the day and kill most all of the vampires, conveniently missing the judge of course. The judge then traps them at night at the school play, not making that up, the old man kills himself rather than become vampire food.
Then the moment of truth arrives, we see the true face of the judge. How lucky are we? Oh wait; it’s just a rubber mask from a discount shop. The kid eventually impales the vampire with an American flag, how patriotic. Was this movie made by Republicans? I don’t know I am just glad it’s over. Oh, but twist of twists, Van Helsing only fake shot himself. Now we have the official Hollywood mandated ending; all is well in Salem’s Lot. And by well I mean this movie is a terrible piece of trash that spawned Tara Reid.
The Anna Nicole of common sense.
Interesting Tidbits 9 mins - Kid swearing -this happens a lot
35 Mins - Boob and major plothole
46 mins - Two boobs
